Sarrah always complaining about Soffea being spoilt. And she keeps on arguing about how Soffea being treated. And she always reminds us about Soffea's age. Sarrah keeps on stressing the fact that Soffea is now a big girl and not a small little baby that she used to be. Soffea will turn eleven this coming July but she always act like a cry baby. Sarrah asks me to give Soffea more responsible tasks. As i can see, she also put the blame more to her father.After few sessions of `free lance' lecturing, suddenly Sarrah turned to me and ask my opinion. She also wonder why i just being the back bencher when she raised the issue. So, for her, i just give a new tag line `The spoilling stop when the spoiller stop too'. I let her wonder and analizing the meaning and open the space for her to throw her opinions.
But deep in my heart, there is no tag line, neither opions to throw but only the guilt that i kept just for me to sob. I just let Soffea being spoilt just because the guilt i felt to let her being raise by my maid. Although not 100% by my maid, but i left home to work when Soffea was so tiny, the time she needs me most. I left home to work not because of the financial needs but for my own satisfaction, when being at home mom not a joy for me anymore. After 6 years staying at home as fulltime mom, fulltime mom to Sarrah alone, i left home in search of greener field. After few years being a working mom, i added more challenge to put more colours in my life during Soffea's weaning years. I became a working plus studying mom. I took a part time masters course. I'd finished my masters in two solid years.
Looking back the trails, i wonder my self, how i could juggled between motherhood, works and studies. During that period of time, my achievements in my job and studies were not too bad at all and i felt proud for my self. But, besides the joy, there was a guilt in my heart. I kept the guilt to my self and never discuss with anyone.
Even though Sarrah did not realise nor identify the other Soffea's spoiller, me myself admitted to the blame being Soffea's secret spoiller.....
